How To Manage Anger And Defuse Bad Moods

In Episode I of the celebrated Star Wars saga, Master Yoda doubts whether or not to allow little Anakin Skywalker, the boy who will eventually become Darth Vader, to be trained as a Jedi.

The teacher hesitates because, he says, he perceives too much fear in him. It is then that he pronounces the famous phrase that has gone around the world:

“Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering”

To reflect on anger, this phrase is an interesting starting point, because I undoubtedly believe that letting ourselves be carried away by it inevitably leads us to suffering. Violence and aggression are only the most obvious consequences of letting ourselves be carried away by anger, but they are not the only ones.

This emotion has a negative impact not only on the lives of those for whom it is intended, but also has devastating effects on those who feel it. Reacting with anger can often lead to:

• The deterioration and finally the breakdown of our relationships, both affective, social and labor
• Say things that we do not believe at all or that it would be more convenient to keep quiet
• Do things that we will later regret
• Rushing into a line of action that does not lead us to where we really want.

Rising into a rage produces a series of physiological modifications that, if repeated over and over again, would increase the incidence of significant physical problems, particularly those related to the cardiovascular system.

How to manage anger in a healthy way

Anger leads us to our own suffering and that of others, that is why it is so important to learn, if not to free ourselves from it, to manage it. In the attempt to manage anger, common sense leads us to think of two possible alternatives: stop it or externalize it. It is not by chance that many of the strategies that are usually proposed from the therapeutic field are aimed at developing one of the two tendencies.

It is quite understandable that we think that the best way to deal with anger is to let it flow, to express it freely. To support this option, one can only think that we have all ever had the experience of feeling how, after having expressed our anger in some way, the tension and discomfort have disappeared.

The idea that getting angry is a way of limiting the abusive behaviors of others also points in this sense . This may seem reasonable at first glance, but it involves complications.

• The reactions are perpetuated: But that we feel relief after having attacked, yelled or mounted some kind of scandal can lead us to seek that discharge that we have associated with well-being every time we feel angry. Thus, the aggressions are perpetuated and, what is worse, we will have less and less qualms about behaving like this. In fact, many people justify themselves: “It drives me out of my mind, it’s the only way I had to calm down!”
• The relationship gets complicated : Second, when we defend ourselves against abuse using anger, far from getting the other person to respect us, all we can do is double the bet or retaliate. Thus, we entered an escalation of increasingly hurtful aggressions.

This will not be constructive for the bond, but on the contrary, others will quietly withdraw from us, even when we get others to accept our limits for fear that we will have an angry reaction. They will stop seeing us as a pleasant company.

Containing anger is not the solution

If releasing anger has such dire consequences, we can conclude that the only option we have is to contain it. However, the stance of repressing it also presents several difficulties.

The idea is quite widespread that if someone feels like they are getting too angry, the best thing to do is to take some time and withdraw from the situation until they have calmed down. Surely counting to one hundred is a good alternative when, for example, you are on the verge of acting excessively, but, as a basic solution, the truth is that it leaves a lot to be desired.

• We will never resolve our conflicts if every time we get angry, for example, with our brother, we are forced to go out for a walk so as not to end up insulting him.
• The conflict is perpetuated as well. If in the face of invasive or abusive behaviors of other people, the only thing we know how to do is avoid all confrontation, we will not be able to establish our limits and, consequently, the attitudes that bother us will be perpetuated or, even worse, will intensify.

Considering what we have seen, it seems that all the options leave us in a situation with no way out : restraining our anger can be harmful, but expressing it freely, too. So, what is the most sensible attitude to avoid making mistakes?

Control fear to manage anger

For me, the key is in that phrase that I was talking about at the beginning of the article and that is pronounced by the old Yoda, that character who in more than one aspect reminds us of a Zen master, when he exposes the relationship between fear and the side. dark: “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering.”

We feel anger when we feel threatened. It is that simple and it is a great truth. Therefore, if we manage to feel less threatened, we will be able to handle the situations that produce anger in a much more appropriate way. This means that we have to modify our perception of the situation.

Anger is “manufactured” by ourselves according to our way of understanding this situation, it is not a direct consequence of what happens.

Discomfort and the need to establish a limit are sensations common to all situations that can lead us to feel anger, and there is nothing reprehensible about them. .. The problem appears, as we have seen, when I feel threatened by circumstances. This type of situation has several interpretations: generalization, denial and fatalization.

3 interpretations that enhance anger

Suppose I discover that a good friend has lied to me, asked me for money, saying he needed it for something and used it for something else. It is quite natural that I feel upset and disappointed, that I feel that I have been taken advantage of. I will say to myself: “I don’t like what happened.”

You will also likely feel the need to establish that I don’t want him to behave that way with me again, so I’ll say to myself, “I don’t want this to happen to me again.”

Generalization

Generalization consists of extending to the whole what is applicable only to a part. Continuing with the same example, let’s imagine that instead of thinking: “My friend has behaved badly”, you say to me: “My friend is a bad person.”

If I think that he is someone wicked, he becomes a threat from which I must defend myself. I will transform a specific and punctual act – no matter how reprehensible it may be – into a general characteristic of my friend, which will compromise our relationship and will prevent me from seeing aspects of him that I do like. I will be filled with anger at him instead of being able to honestly tell him how upset I am at what he has done.

Generalization can go on indefinitely and carry even worse consequences. If we continue with the same reasoning, I could conclude that no one can be trusted, which would lead me to conceive of others as threatening.

We must be careful with some words like everything, always, never, nobody, everyone … since generalization feeds on them.

The negation

The negation consists of the multiple variations of a phrase in which, unfortunately, we often fall in these cases: “This should not have happened.” In the case of my friend, my attitude would be one of denial if I thought something along the lines of: “He can’t do such a thing.”

These kinds of thoughts fill us with helplessness : “It shouldn’t have happened”, but nevertheless, it happened… “He can’t do such a thing” and yet he did it. This is what makes us angry.

Denial is a vain attempt to supply with the fantasy of what should have been a discomfort with what is. But in this attempt we lose the possibility of reacting to our reality. Maybe we should change the questions: why can’t he do what he did? And why should this or that not happen?

No one has an obligation to behave well with us, not life or other people. You can accept it is the most appropriate attitude.

Fatalization

Thinking that a problem is irremediable is what fatalization consists of. It is a way of interpreting reality that is extremely damaging.

Let’s go back to the attitude I would adopt with my friend’s action. If I think: “He has betrayed me, I cannot bear it”, I am considering this fact as irremediable.

Fear invades us and we attack everything full of anger when in the face of any unpleasant or painful situation we believe that we will not be able to bear it, we turn it into a fatality, a lethal threat. However, we should know that the idea that “I can’t bear it” is completely false.

It is good to keep in mind that, no matter how difficult the situation may seem, we can always get out of it. Certain events and attitudes can affect us, hurt us and even harm us –sometimes to a great extent–, but, even in these cases, we can overcome them, gain learning and emerge stronger.

Defuse bad mood

Being aware of anger when it appears requires some work on our part. But if we are willing to face it and we question and debate what happens to us, we will surely take a big step to prevent irritability and bad mood from hardening our character and eventually settling in our lives.

We will be able to better express our discomfort, our pain or our disagreement if we avoid these harmful ways of interpreting conflictive situations. So we can also set our limits in a way that is as respectful as it is effective.

In short, controlling anger is understanding that disagreements between people are an inescapable part of our lives and that, therefore, we must find a healthier way to manage them.