The Value Of Being A Father

We all know the concept of “maternal instinct”, that innate force and vital drive of females to give birth to children, take care of them, educate them and feed them. An unlearned need that fulfills a function of insurance for the continuity of the species, although among humans it promotes too many times an argument that does not allow parents who want to participate on an equal footing in the early stages of their children.

If, as they say, “the difference between having a child and being parents is the same as that between descent and transcendence”, it is evident that men and women undoubtedly share the same need to transcend.

Children raised in families in which both parents are equally involved in all aspects have greater self-confidence and are less anxious.

Throughout my life, I have learned – as a doctor, as a psychotherapist, as an educator, as a father and, especially, as a son – the importance of men not accepting secondary roles but becoming first-rate protagonists, committed, loving and companions of women, capable of assuming all the tasks that correspond to them in the construction and support of the structure.

A task that can only be assumed if we allow men to act following the call of their hearts and not condemning them to be the syndicated executors of some truth declared as important for the intellectual area of ​​the couple and their environment. Parents who educate by remembering that “what is essential is – continues to be – invisible to the eyes”.

Recognizing our own sensitivity, forgetting what is supposedly masculine and feminine, will allow us to be loving parents.

Male roles and fatherhood

Many of us grew up believing that we only had three roles as men: provider, protector, and administrator of discipline.

Many parents have two or even three jobs so that their children “do not lack anything”, without realizing that so many hours of work imply less time and energy dedicated to them. Parents often think that it is more important to provide money for children’s diapers than to have time to help change them.

Our society tends to confuse the role of father with that of money provider. But to be a good father you don’t need great things.

Most of the men of my generation father children with the idea that we must maintain control over everything they touch and do, since we are responsible for everything that happens to them, as a brave and strong superhero.

It doesn’t take great things to be a good parent. It would be enough to take care of and produce those little moments that enhance the bond : fly a kite, go fishing, read together and, why not, go to football together with the son and daughter.

Any parent, even a parent who works long hours, can take a few minutes to hug or kiss their children and ask how their day was; And to do it well, he must renounce his tough role, he must accept his sensitivity, he must recognize himself as vulnerable, and he must forget that mythical mandate that men do not cry.

Breaking the boundaries of the masculine and feminine

Our culture is too organized around definitions of what is masculine and what is feminine. In fact, the most strongly connoted words – power, money, work, sport, winning … – are masculine words. On the other hand, those that introduce us to a more tender universe are feminine words: tenderness, compassion, softness, caress, containment …

Being a father today is breaking out of those limiting roles. Because the world needs to rely on families based on more symmetrical relationships, involving both parents equally in all aspects.

And there are some good signs : more and more parents are seen walking babies in the parks during working hours, men who participate in school meetings, men who dare to talk about education and feelings, men who find spaces with their children, even without a mom to mediate.

Men playing; men carrying babies who suddenly calm down “only in daddy’s arms”; men who cry with emotion and embrace and allow themselves to be embraced; men pushing with their wives in the delivery room, living the wonderful experience of being a father, right from the inside.

Children brought up in this situation of shared parenting are, according to the latest observations, more confident in exploring the world, more curious and less hesitant: they arrive better predisposed to school, they have a greater tolerance for frustration, they are less anxious and more trusting. on your own resources.

Being a parent does not mean being dominating, powerful, or overbearing. It does not mean being the guarantor of the rules – which, of course, must exist and be elastic – but rather involves the decision and the consistent action of being the main responsible for achieving and defending the agreement between the two members of the couple, with equal participation and with mutual respect, especially in disagreements.

In my opinion, perhaps because that is how they taught me at home, in this task of guaranteeing the work of two, the man has a special responsibility as a couple and as a father.