Don’t Project! 4 Tips To Respect The Dreams Of Your Children

As a father, more than once I have found myself thinking how my daughter shows me every day that my utopias are mine, perhaps valid for me, but not for her.

She was born with her own tastes, gifts and talents, with her own search, exploration, development and growth needs, and no matter how much I indicated to her at the age of two (mea culpa) that it would still be appropriate to say hello to the neighbor, wisely She replied that she declined my offer because she did not want to talk to a person with whom she did not trust.

Perhaps one of the most complex learnings of parenthood is trying to avoid projecting our shortcomings, cultural mandates (acquired in our family of origin) and our failed dreams on our children.

How we force the way of our children

Some parents who failed to fulfill their dreams of life in their youth force their children to follow the steps that they could not take to feel the satisfaction of seeing their purposes fulfilled.

At a very early age, they begin to instill in their children their own utopias, offering them only the idealized version of that projected world (which never coincides with the reality of their children) and they elaborate a complex network of manipulations to prevent them from discovering the existence of other options.

Since they are very young, through mandates, restrictions, concealment, censorship and coercion, they force their children to follow a path that is not theirs. Words that they cannot pronounce, forbidden foods, censored actions, discarded activities, directed games, friends that are not suitable, etc., make up the skewed reality of children conceived (consciously or unconsciously) to fulfill the lost wishes of their parents.

We are facing what I call the “crystal dreams”, fragile and brittle dreams of life that, not being based on real aspirations and needs, end up cracking when these children, now adults, are broken into a thousand pieces.

Unhappiness and dissatisfaction take their toll on their emotional health, and when they look for the causes of their discomfort, they understand that they were living a life that was not their own.

I have attended many cases of people who have followed their parents’ dreams believing they were theirs, but who, at some point, have suffered a deep identity crisis that has led them to question their life and, after therapy, to change it in a radical way.

Sometimes, the seizures appear in the form of muscular tensions or physical illnesses, as if the body warned the person to stop fulfilling other people’s dreams and focus on their own. At other times, for no apparent reason, the person falls into a deep depression or suffers a devastating anxiety attack. Despite having a stable job and a comfortable life, she stops enjoying herself, she feels empty inside. Again, your body alerts you that it is disconnected from itself.

Are you living your life, or the one your parents wanted for you?

I especially remember the case of Judith, a quiet and “obedient” young woman who went into crisis when she felt the need to oppose the wedding plans her mother had designed for her. Discreet and unassuming, Judith wanted an intimate wedding, while her mother had planned a ceremony at a renowned church and a celebration at the most expensive and opulent restaurant in town.

In therapy, Judith realized how, since she was little, she had lived in the shadow of her mother, a traditional and authoritarian woman who always dictated what she had to do. She bought her the clothes she should wear, forced her to stop seeing her friends who did not meet her criteria of perfection, and even decided the degree she had to study for her.

All this, according to her mother, so that her daughter would be happier than she had been.

Although Judith did not yet have children, realizing the yoke she had lived under helped her reflect on motherhood and parenting: “I know what not to repeat with my children when I have them. I must not force them to be what they are not. My mother wanted to model me as if I were made of clay to fulfill her dream of being the perfect woman according to her ideals. But children must be free to be themselves ”.

When one has lived under the weight of a foreign destiny, change is not easy, since it implies realizing that they were not following their own dreams, but those of their parents. These people must mourn their past to be reborn again strengthened and confident. It is a tough process, but the result is always worth it.

4 ways to foster your own dreams in your children

If you have children and you want to encourage them to follow their own dreams, rather than living and having crystal dreams, these tips can be a good starting point.

Do not decide for them

Since they are babies, there are many decisions that our children must make for themselves. At first, these will be related to your basic needs: when to eat, sleep, stop diapers. Later, as they mature, they will make their personal choices about their games, friends, clothes, studies, partners, etc.

Show them that you trust their judgment, going their own way is what is going to make them really happy.

Show them other realities

Your dreams, your tastes, your life decisions are yours, they don’t have to be your children’s. May they not live a childhood full of prohibitions
and restrictions.

Open the doors to know many realities, many different lives, many types of food, clothes, games so that they can make their own vital choices based on the wide range that they have known in their childhood.

Do not stress

Enjoy the present of your children. Don’t worry or project your future. Now is what matters. Don’t miss their childhood and don’t make them lose theirs because of your worries.

Our children will not be small for many years, free yourself and them from the burden of “what will become of their life.”

Fulfill your own dreams

To avoid burdening them with the pressure of our frustrated dreams, it is important that we find space to develop some of our passions and choices that, in our childhood, were truncated.

Make your dream trip, write that book you talk about so much, get that radical change of look that you want so much, jump in and finally start that business of your dreams that you have been projecting for so many years.