3 Essential Keys To Support Someone Who Is Ill

Max was on his way to his weekly appointment with Clara. He knew something was wrong with him, because when he called her to confirm the meeting, she assured him that not only would she be on time for the appointment but also that she needed to see him more than ever.

As he entered the bar, Max found her sitting at the usual table, completely lost in thought. There was no sign of the cheerful and lively Clara that she used to be. Indeed, something was happening to him.

The old professor sat down, took her hand and without further ado said:

“Can you explain it to me, Clara?”

–You know that my sister is sick …

“Yes, you told me.”

– On Tuesday we met. I wanted to help her, but I’m afraid I didn’t know how to do it. After being with her, I was devastated and I am afraid that I left her much worse than I found her …

“What exactly happened?”

“She wanted to tell me about her illness.” And I kept interrupting. I told him not to worry, that everything would be fine. I even deliberately tried to change the subject a couple of times. This is how we spent the day, and when we said goodbye, in addition to encouraging her, I suggested that she get distracted and think about other things.

She answered me with words that I cannot forget. He said: “Clara, you don’t understand. I need to talk about it. “

Max listened carefully to Clara’s story and, with his eyes, encouraged her to continue:

–After listening to your comment, the truth is that I came home with a bitter feeling that has accompanied me all these days.

“Have you spoken to her again?”

“No, because I honestly don’t know how to react.” I’m afraid to make it even worse. That’s why I needed to see you …

Max sensed Clara’s anguish and, therefore, chose this time not to delay the process. Told him:

–Clara, the illness of a loved one distresses us. But we must do everything possible so that this anguish does not force us to do things that go against what the patient needs. And, after a short pause, he added:

“There are times when she will want to talk about it. Other times, not. The important thing is that we understand what she needs and that we are willing to give it to her. We are at the service of her anguish, not at the mercy of ours.”

“What if you ask us about the disease?” What if we know things that she doesn’t?

–The fact that you ask us does not mean that we can and should answer you with all the harshness in the world. It means that we must be open to what he asks of us. It is important not to decide for her what “it is convenient for her to know” or to answer questions that we cannot answer with serenity and love. Many times, it is best to help her find the person who can give her those answers, without directly assuming all responsibility.

Clara listened carefully. He understood perfectly what Max was saying, but he was not sure how to act. He asked one last question:

“What can I do from now on?”

– Accompany her. If she wants to talk, you listen to her. If you want to be distracted, you are distracted. Your message must be clear: “I am by your side unconditionally and for whatever you need.” This is demonstrated many times without great speeches and with a simple gesture. And above all, do not act out of your anguish or make her feel sick with your reactions. Try not to let them feel your fears, they will reinforce theirs. It will be hard, but you will live very valuable moments, of great intimacy.

– I am afraid that, if we talk openly about the disease, I may lose hope.

– He will lose it if he sees you desperate, no matter how many false messages of hope you give him. But he wo n’t lose it if he feels you fighting hard by his side. You are the first to be clear about what will come of it.

–Max, will you accompany me on the way?

“Count on it.”

Max got up and went to the bar to order breakfast. He saw Clara pick up her cell phone. Sensing who he was calling, he sat down at the bar to give him time. She knew her sister needed her by her side.

Guidelines for maintaining a healing relationship

When an illness is detected in a loved one, communication is transformed, because our anguish and theirs create interference and the words do not flow as before. Here are some guidelines that can “help us help”.

Listen without judging

What the patient says is more important than what we say. Expressing comes from “ex-pressure”, taking out the pressure. Listening without judging, without superficially reassuring or interrupting will allow the affected person to order their ideas, realize their feelings, doubts and fears, and feel accompanied.

Understand your wishes

If we have not understood what the sick person needs, it is better not to take any steps. Let us ask him to help us understand well what he wants us to do. We do not anticipate your needs or try to interpret them from what we think we would need if we were in your place. Each person is different and this is also true when faced with the disease.

Make life easier for everyone

Let us give the sick person what they ask of us and what we can take on. It is very important that we also take care of ourselves and that we stay in touch with our own needs. If what you ask of us is very scary or exceeds our capacity, we seek help from our environment or from a professional team. We must distinguish what comes from our fears from what comes from our feelings, and give a lot of love.